WARNING: This is a very long post.
My battle began shortly after Linus was born. I loved that little man intensely and couldn't imagine leaving him. I enjoyed my time at home, yet I felt the pull of responsibility and a deep yearning to use other parts of my brain. I spent 6 months agonizing whether to go back to work or not. In the end, I decided to go back to work part time when Linus was 10 months old. I was lucky enough to strike an amazing childcare arrangement with a mom friend. Working part time, I enjoyed the perks of teaching with significantly less responsibility (no morning supervision, no homeroom, no staff meetings, etc). Linus loved spending every day with his best friend, was well taken care of, and even learned German. I don't regret my decision to work after Linus was born at all.
Working part-time, I was only making a profit of about $500. Not much, but I enjoyed the work and it gave me a chance to keep my seniority while I figured out what I wanted to do. Apparently, getting pregnant and taking the year off again was my choice. I have fully enjoyed my time at home thus far, days filled with trips to Starbucks, walks around Greenlake, playdates, Gymboree classes, and naps. With summer rapidly approaching, I find myself again obsessing about the decision to return to work. I realize I am very lucky that this is even a choice for me.
Why Quit
If I choose to not go back next year, I can actually extend my childcare leave another year before deciding to give up my job. I love being at home, I am more at peace with myself. I love my children. I love nurturing their physical, emotional, and intellectual growth. They will only be little for a short time and I have rarely heard anyone regret staying home to be with their kids.
To say that teaching is stressful is an understatement. Due to lack of funding, I often spend at least $500 of my own money on classroom materials. I choose at this time to not get on my soapbox about high stakes testing. Crazy parents only add to the difficulty of teaching. I admit that at times I can be a little afraid for my safety as the amount of gang activity and violence increases. Sometimes the more I am around my students, the more fearful I am for the future. I pray to God that if I should ever be in a hospital, they are not the ones in charge of my healthcare. The politics of education are ridiculously frustrating as well.
Looking at next year, I will need to somehow manage to get two children to daycare at 7 am. I will pick them up around 3:30 pm. I will still need to somehow fit in housework, cooking, and doctors appointments. I would like to breastfeed Eileen until she is a year old or longer. My teaching schedule is hardly conducive to pumping. After the pay freeze and daycare costs, I may only again make a profit of about $500. That's a lot of work for very little pay and an insane amount of stress.
Why Work
After all that, you must think I am crazy to go back to work. First, I am very good at my job. I am a good teacher. I make a difference in the lives of disadvantaged children and a positive contribution to the staff. I like using other parts of my brain and having non "mommy" talk. I am passionate about education. It may seem dumb, but I would feel a little guilty backing out of daycare. I got the kids into a really good daycare and have been holding their spots for 1.5 years. I worry about the loss of my identity. I fear being the stereotype of a stay at home mom. I spent $45,000 on my education and will have nothing but student loans to show for it. How will I validate myself? Yes yes, I am a mom to two beautiful children, but I am more than that!
My biggest reason to work is finances. My work provides really good health and dental insurance. We have a big mortgage. It is very stressful for Dave to be the sole breadwinner. Substitute teaching isn't a good option because I would need on-call childcare. Most substitute pools are currently full due to so many unemployed teachers.
I suppose it all comes down to FEAR. Fear of the unknown. In my mind, if I quit, I need to stop for a long time and commit to raising my children. I'm not done having children. In this current economy, it may be impossible for me to get back in. I am scared of trying to re-enter the workforce after a long absence. I am scared of what if Dave and I can't make ends meet? What if Dave loses his job? What if Dave and I break-up and I suddenly have to support myself (there is currently no danger of this)? The fear of what-if is sometimes paralyzing.
I have big decisions to make. I never envisioned myself as a stay-at-home mom. I need to figure out who the patron saint of life changing decisions is and have a heart to heart. Dave says he will support whatever I choose. I am so torn. Why does the cost of childcare have to equal my paycheck?
Oh, Char Char. I think every mom feels this push-pull. My vote is that you consider waiting to go back to full-time teaching, or maybe even part time teaching in that environment. You want to stay home with your babies, so do it. They will only be little once. You have some time to figure things out. Childcare will be cheaper the older they get, and choosing to stay home a little longer isn't wasting your degree. If you need something to do outside the house, and/or some income, there are other things you can do for another year.
ReplyDeleteYou know my vote - there will ALWAYS be students in the school system who need you, but your kids only get one mom and one chance to be little. And you only get one chance to be Momma to little ones and enjoy them like this, too. This season in life is such a gift! And you are enjoying your children so very much right now.
ReplyDeleteI would encourage you to go by faith and not by fear, invest yourself fully as mother and wife for this time, and trust that when it is time to go back to work that you will know it's the right time and the work will be there for you then. And pray a lot! God will lead you in the direction He wants you to go. ;o)
I will pray that you find peace with whatever decision you and Dave come to. I know it is a difficult one for you to make. ;o)
Okay, I'm with Beth. (I seem to always agree with Beth.) :) You don't have to make a permanent decision. Making long-term decisions always stresses me out. Make the decision that is right for "now" and give yourself the option to change things later if you need to.
ReplyDeleteIt took me to baby #4 before I finally let go of work completely. I held on for many of the same reasons as you, but I am so much happier now! It doesn't mean that I'll never go back to work, it just means that for right now staying home is what I want to do.
P.S. I think every family is different and what is "right" for one family may not be the same for another. :)
Charlotte,
ReplyDeleteI think you are so lucky to have this choice - it is one that I will not face, because it is not an option. I do struggle with the same opposing desires, however. When I went back to work, I felt so guilty for the first week. And then I realized that the woman who takes care of Ben loves him so much, and is really caring for him as if he were her own.
Being at work and being a professional (even when education is so political, and cuts continue) helps me to feel fulfilled, and ultimately makes me a better mom. I have so much energy for Ben when I come home from work - more than I have at the end of the day on a weekend or school vacation. I also value that Ben is learning to be comfortable around other adults and kids.
You didn't mention it, so maybe it isn't an option, but what about part time next year? The release from the "extras" at school makes a huge difference in the time you would be away from home. I suppose this would be my vote - because working full time is very difficult. I think that if I could have my way I would work a .6 contract - enough classes to feel invested in the work, but only half of a day. Don't know if that's an option, but that would be my suggestion.
Good luck with your decision - It is probably one of the hardest ones you will have to make!