Growing and Changing

January is generally cold and bleak.  The world outside feels barren.  At the same time, day to day seems to be sputtering back into gear.  Everything feels both calm and out of sorts.  The new year brings a lot of reflection.  In recent days I've had time to engage in deep conversations about what has changed, what is happening, and where life is headed.

This morning I was chatting with my older sister.  She shared that when her son was younger, another mom told her that when your youngest is five, the idea of having another child becomes more difficult.  Not because you are older, but because your children's lives are in a new stage of independence and it is hard to go back to the days of no sleep, diapers, and constant care.

All my kids wanted for Christmas was a new baby.  Today Robin asked if I wanted another one.  I questioned him why he wanted one. Our conversation went like this:
Robin:  Because of all the cuteness.
Me: What if it isn't cute?
Robin: Then we can get rid of it.
Me:  I don't think it works that way.
Robin: Then we can sell it.

The idea of going back to the days of small people is exhausting.  I loved it, I miss it, but right now I need to focus on loving where I am versus missing what was.

My kids are now 5, 8, and 10.  They get themselves dressed, brush their own teeth, and even get themselves breakfast.  Sometimes Robin needs a little help.  Unless the kids have sports, I don't have to get up before 9 am.

Linus is turning into an amazing human being.  Last weekend he made Dave and I a romantic breakfast.  He prepared us coffee and chai as well as avocado toast. It was pretty good. Later he willingly accompanied me to a grocery store and unprompted bought his aunt, Sally, flowers with his own money. 

When we later visited Sally, he didn't try to change the television.  Instead he was quiet and well behaved.  He asked Sally to teach him how to change a diaper and later did it independently.  He helped her in the kitchen, chopping herbs.  Linus loves his cousin more than anything on this earth.

Linus is turning into a wonderful, thoughtful young man.  This morning he saw I was stressed.  He encouraged me to take time for myself and then proceeded to make me a cup of coffee. He knows just how I like it.

Eileen is a caretaker in her own right.  She is acutely aware of the needs of others.  In the past week I saw her offer to help her brother when he was upset, make thoughtful notes on scraps of paper for others, and gave me a neck massage.  Eileen is the queen of making crafty flowers as gifts for people.  She helps remind me to slow down and breathe.  At the end of a stressful day, her note on a scrap of paper that says, "Number 1 mom," can make all the difference.  It's a simple gesture that reminds me that I am loved.  Even when I infuriate her, she does not hold a grudge.

Robin is 5 and a whirling dervish of energy.  He flits through space.  Robin spends large amounts of time flinging his body across the room, hoping to land on padding.  No broken bones yet.  This week he lost his 2 bottom front teeth.  If that isn't a reminder that the days are long, but the years are short, I don't know what is.

This week different adults came up to me unprompted to share something special they saw one of my  children do or just how much they genuinely love them.  Parenthood is so hard.  So very hard.  Even teacher moms are exhausted by their own children by the end of winter break.  In the trenches, it's hard to keep perspective.  That's why all moms need a village, to have people appreciate your kids when you are too busy parenting them to enjoy them fully.

The last 4 months have been incredibly stressful.  While I don't believe in New Years Resolutions, I value reflection.  I've been spending time trying to step outside myself and identify what I want, what is important to me, and what it looks like.

So far I've identified the following:

1. Date my husband
2. Spend quality time with each of my kids
3. Don't make decisions based on feelings of obligation
4. Let my hair go gray (it's a losing battle)

Life feels so stressful right now, but I'm optimistic about the months ahead.  Let's be clear. There will be no baby, despite Robin's assurance of disposability.  We have spent the last 10 years in the mindset of parents with young children, aka survival.  My babies are still kids, but it's time to develop a new mindset, thrive. I don't want to keep waiting to live our best lives.  We had a taste of it this summer.  I want to do the things I've always said I wanted to do once everyone was potty trained and could walk. I am open to the possibilities of 2019. 

The Holidays - Many, Merry, and Medical

The holidays felt a bit different this year.  School went up until right before Christmas.  I had very little time to prepare or switch gears.  Everything felt weird/empty with Yoon gone.  It was bittersweet turning over his room, preparing it for guests.

I like the school Christmas pageant because it really encapsulates all the feelings, it's like its own zeitgeist.  Robin made a cute, if not perplexed shepherd this year.

This year there felt like there wasn't enough time to do many of the festive things around Puget Sound.  However, we did manage to squeeze in a trip to downtown Seattle with our friend, Beth.  We decided against the 2+ hr wait for the gingerbread houses at the Sheraton.  I'm sure they were cool, but not cool enough to wait that long.  The Teddy Bear Suite at the Olympic Fairmount did not disappoint.  I also really like the addition of a large gingerbread playhouse.

The Christmas Eve Children's mass was lovely.  The kids referenced the "homily" for days.  We looked pretty cute.  Robin looked cute and mildly evil.

 I got fancy and straightened my hair.

Christmas morning was very chill.  The kids were very good about not going downstairs until 7 am.  This year everyone got something to read, something to wear, a slightly larger gift, and a smaller gift.  Eileen was overjoyed to receive a bathrobe, slippers, and Caboodle (thank you author, Reyna Telgemeier for telling her these existed).  Robin had a very Pokemon based Christmas.  Linus was most excited about a wood burning kit.  Dave showed he knows me/loves me.  He gave me a journal to write in and a massage gift certificate to relax.

Dave made Eileen a workbench.

We hosted Christmas with my side of the family in the evening.  This year Gino's mother joined us from Argentina.  We all spent lots of time fawning over baby Cedric.

Sally demonstrated she truly knows/understands Eileen.  Watching squirrels has become a new exciting activity for all the kids.

Linus informed me that his favorite part of Christmas, besides the white elephant party, is the fact that my sister and her family come stay with us for a week.  I don't disagree. The kids played hard all week building forts, wearing costumes, running around outside.  My house was trashed more times than I can count.

I'm grateful I didn't have to host the White Elephant party.  I did my part though and baked gluten free donuts, half vanilla glazed, half maple glazed.  They turned out awesome.  My crockpot egg casserole was pretty good too.

White elephants are very fun when you are with people who have a wicked sense of humor.  The kids enjoyed playing reindeer games in the basement.

Eileen won this beauty.  I tried to make plans to have it disappear, but she was too busy cradling it and adoring it.

We finally got a picture of all the grandkids.  Dylan was not impressed.

The fun continued into New Years Eve where Dave worked until 10 pm. 

Linus REALLY wanted to go to the New Years/Birthday party at Sally and Gino's.  He even typed up 9 pages of conversational Spanish and categorized the topics.  I felt so bad by his sobbing that I took him over when Dave got home.  He unintentionally trolled all the attendees by wearing his complete Brazil national soccer team uniform to a party full of Argentinians.  Cedric, sporting his Argentinian jersey, forgave him.

Beautiful host, Sally.

We rounded out the holidays by celebrating with Dave's family on New Year's Day.  I especially enjoyed chatting with my nieces.

So the holidays were many and merry.  Amidst all the merry making, there were many, many trips to the doctor and Children's Hospital.  One day was especially fun when I had two visits to Children's in one day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  The good news is they weren't all for Robin.  I basically took a child to a doctor every weekday of break that was not a holiday, sometimes back to back appointments with 20 minutes in between to drive to different locations.  It was fun....I'm very grateful for all the Starbucks gift cards I received from students.  They kept me alive over break.

I'm hoping for a little time to decompress the last few days of winter break.  Linus is unnerved by the empty feeling of the house. To be fair, I did take down the Christmas decorations yesterday which adds to the emptiness.  After a whirlwind month, it's nice to just finally breathe.