Daughter

Being a parent is exhilarating and exhausting.  Everyday I am overwhelmed by feelings of love and frustration.  It's not that parenting boys is easy, but I find having a daughter to be terrifying.  While eldest boy requires me to revise, revisit, and get creative with my parenting skills, it is with my daughter that I constantly question myself.

Did I tell her I love her yet today?  Did I empower her?  Did I accidentally compliment her looks/outfit instead of her intelligence or character?  Am I striking the right balance of princess/fairy/pink/purple with non-stereotypical things?  Did I take the time to listen to her and not let her vocal brother overshadow her?  Am I putting my own issues on to her?  Am I being a good role model for her?

I want the best for all my children and boys need their mother, but I cannot help but feel an even stronger responsibility to Eileen.  I want so much for Eileen to find her own version of success.  There is so much pressure on young girls without the addition of social media.  She may only be three years old, but I worry everyday about the road ahead for her.  Having taught middle school, I know what goes on in those halls.  I want Eileen to feel self-assured and not feel the need to be less of who she is for a partner or to fit in with a group.

I worry about her self-esteem.  Eileen has a gap between her front teeth and already the dentist says she will be requiring some orthodontia.  Will an insensitive dental hygenist tell her she would be so much prettier if she just got her teeth fixed?  Yes, that happened to me.  I don't know if I ever fully recovered from that comment.  Will she struggle with her weight?  Can I convince her to love herself as she is?  Did she overhear me when I criticized myself?  Am I inadvertently sending her unhealthy messages?  Can I instill in her a belief in herself so she is not afraid to challenge herself and take chances?  Am I condemning her to a life of comparing her body to others by enrolling her in gymnastics?

I love my daughter with every part of my soul.  I love her gentleness, the way she likes to always hold someone's hand.  I love how she likes to stand next to me on a stool while I work in the kitchen.  I love how she likes to get up close, nose to nose and crinkle her face.  I love her quiet intensity and the joy she takes in everything. I love how she sings when she is in her room by herself.  She is developing a wonderful sense of humor.  I worry every day about the world corrupting her or my somehow failing to protect her.

Yes, everything I have said can be applied to sons, but like I said, I feel an even greater responsibility to my daughter.  I know Linus will be okay.  He is already a force to be reckoned with.  He is stubborn and has a very strong sense of self.   Robin is the poor, neglected third child.  He will just have to learn to fend for himself.   Kidding.

It's my job to show Eileen how to be a woman.  So of course I question what I am showing her by sidelining my career to be a mom. Sure I hope I can impart some domestic skills, including a few I have yet to learn myself, but I want her to feel like she can be an engineer, a doctor, circus clown if she wants.  I am saddened when I think about the fact that there will be times when she hates me and thinks I am ruining her life (Linus tells me some version of this everyday but it is hard to take him seriously).   I look at my aunt, for whom Eileen is named, and see the amazing relationship she has with her daughter and hope that I can share something similar with my own. 

Parenting is hard.  You judge yourself, others judge you.  You can feel disapproving eyes around you.  I'm guilty of it too.  I try every day to be the best parent possible.  Some days I am more successful than others.  Yet I constantly fear I am going to screw up Eileen.  Why can't I parent her with the same relative degree of certainty that I do Linus?  I do not parent Linus perfectly by any stretch, but it is more of a "we will get through this" mentality.

Today someone stopped me in a bookstore to tell me how beautiful she was (she did look insanely cute in a brown dress, white cardigan, and french braids, clutching her lovey).  I hope that Eileen can see what even strangers do, that she is beautiful inside and out.  And then again, I hope she doesn't need the approval of others to love herself. Oy.