Haunted by the Ghost of High School

Sometimes something small happens and you find yourself completely unsettled.  This morning I swung through the Starbucks drive-thru to pick up a birthday latte for a friend.  As I pulled to the window, the barista looked very familiar.  I saw the name tag and immediately realized he was an aquaintance/sort of friend/not currently a facebook friend from high school.  Of course I said hi and he didn't recognize me (this happens a lot).  He then literally did a double-take and shook his head in disbelief.  The first thing he said?  "Oh my God, you've lost so much weight!"

Uhh.  I was very gracious and said, "Yes I did."  We briefly chatted about my sisters, who he knew, and then I headed on my merry way with my latte since there was a line behind me.  It's not the first time I've gotten this response.  But it got me thinking, is that what people noticed about me first in high school?  That I was overweight?

As I may have mentioned before, high school was four long years of me learning I was not good enough.  Had the teachers ever gotten together and talked for a moment, maybe one of them would have said, "Gosh we should give that girl a break."  I repeatedly tried to put myself out there, only to be rejected: sports, drama, choir, newspaper editor, art and literature magazine editor... You name it, I put my name in the ring, and never made the cut.  Senior year I think I got a little pity and was cast as a background person in the plays.  Salt was nicely poured into the wounds by having both an older and younger sister who did not meet the same level of failure.  Did I mention all 3 of us were in high school at the same time so I got to see their names on lists, where mine was not.  Seriously.  High school was not good for my self-esteem.

Here I am in all my high school glory. Go ahead and just try to wrap your head around these.

I was insecure and an introvert.  I was a part of a group of friends, but was on the outside.  Like you get to sit with them at lunch, but you don't get invited to the weekend gathering.  I'm grateful to the couple of really good, close friends I had.  Forget about boys.  They had zero, maybe negative interest in me.

Times change.  I'm about 60 pounds lighter than I was when that senior portrait was taken.  This morning's exchange at Starbucks made me realize that high school never leaves you.  If the first thing someone notices about me is that I'm no longer heavy, would everything in high school have been different if I was thin?  If I gain weight, will I become invisible again?

Granted, since high school I became more secure with myself.  I learned how to be more outgoing.  I didn't get to have my Romy and Michelle moment at my 10 year reunion.  I was 8 months pregnant and puking.  Not my best look.  I know it should not matter, but this morning I found myself wanting to scream for all of Bellarmine to hear,

"I'M NOT JOSIE GROSIE ANYMORE!"

I know I'm generally a good person and that the person I was in high school was not "bad."  I wouldn't be there person I am now without those experiences. Still, I can't help but keep wondering if my weight really skewed people's view of me.  It makes me sad.  I can't quite shake the off feeling this morning gave to me.  I don't blame the barista.  He's not the first person to have that reaction.  I'm going to have my moment at the 20 year union and it will be, LEGEN-, wait for it, -DARY.  In the meantime, I'm going to continue to try to be the best version of myself.  And remind myself that it's too bad people's idea of me kept them from getting to know me.