This morning I was chatting with my older sister. She shared that when her son was younger, another mom told her that when your youngest is five, the idea of having another child becomes more difficult. Not because you are older, but because your children's lives are in a new stage of independence and it is hard to go back to the days of no sleep, diapers, and constant care.
All my kids wanted for Christmas was a new baby. Today Robin asked if I wanted another one. I questioned him why he wanted one. Our conversation went like this:
Robin: Because of all the cuteness.
Me: What if it isn't cute?
Robin: Then we can get rid of it.
Me: I don't think it works that way.
Robin: Then we can sell it.
The idea of going back to the days of small people is exhausting. I loved it, I miss it, but right now I need to focus on loving where I am versus missing what was.
My kids are now 5, 8, and 10. They get themselves dressed, brush their own teeth, and even get themselves breakfast. Sometimes Robin needs a little help. Unless the kids have sports, I don't have to get up before 9 am.
Linus is turning into an amazing human being. Last weekend he made Dave and I a romantic breakfast. He prepared us coffee and chai as well as avocado toast. It was pretty good. Later he willingly accompanied me to a grocery store and unprompted bought his aunt, Sally, flowers with his own money.
When we later visited Sally, he didn't try to change the television. Instead he was quiet and well behaved. He asked Sally to teach him how to change a diaper and later did it independently. He helped her in the kitchen, chopping herbs. Linus loves his cousin more than anything on this earth.
Eileen is a caretaker in her own right. She is acutely aware of the needs of others. In the past week I saw her offer to help her brother when he was upset, make thoughtful notes on scraps of paper for others, and gave me a neck massage. Eileen is the queen of making crafty flowers as gifts for people. She helps remind me to slow down and breathe. At the end of a stressful day, her note on a scrap of paper that says, "Number 1 mom," can make all the difference. It's a simple gesture that reminds me that I am loved. Even when I infuriate her, she does not hold a grudge.
Robin is 5 and a whirling dervish of energy. He flits through space. Robin spends large amounts of time flinging his body across the room, hoping to land on padding. No broken bones yet. This week he lost his 2 bottom front teeth. If that isn't a reminder that the days are long, but the years are short, I don't know what is.
This week different adults came up to me unprompted to share something special they saw one of my children do or just how much they genuinely love them. Parenthood is so hard. So very hard. Even teacher moms are exhausted by their own children by the end of winter break. In the trenches, it's hard to keep perspective. That's why all moms need a village, to have people appreciate your kids when you are too busy parenting them to enjoy them fully.
The last 4 months have been incredibly stressful. While I don't believe in New Years Resolutions, I value reflection. I've been spending time trying to step outside myself and identify what I want, what is important to me, and what it looks like.
So far I've identified the following:
- Date my husband
- Spend quality time with each of my kids
- Don't make decisions based on feelings of obligation
- Let my hair go gray (it's a losing battle)
Life feels so stressful right now, but I'm optimistic about the months ahead. Let's be clear. There will be no baby, despite Robin's assurance of disposability. We have spent the last 10 years in the mindset of parents with young children, aka survival. My babies are still kids, but it's time to develop a new mindset, thrive. I don't want to keep waiting to live our best lives. We had a taste of it this summer. I want to do the things I've always said I wanted to do once everyone was potty trained and could walk. I am open to the possibilities of 2019.
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