A Hiccup in the Plans

I've been anxious this whole pregnancy.  I tried to calm myself by saying that once I saw that baby at the 12 week ultrasound, I could start to feel better, relax and enjoy the pregnancy.

Tuesday Dave left work early to accompany me to my 12 week ultrasound.  It was beautiful.  It sucked is thumb and we counted ten fingers and clearly saw its little legs.  We left feeling happy and excited.  I believe my exact words were "I am on cloud 9."

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?

 Since my mom was up babysitting we decided to take an early movie.  As I got ready for the previews I went to double check my phone and noticed a voicemail and it was from my doctor.  Surprised to hear from him, I went out to the lobby to call him back.  I was put right through.  It became apparent very quickly that he had bad news.

While the baby is healthy, I have a subchorionic hemmorhage (also known as a subchorionic hematoma).  It's blood between the placenta and uterus due to the placenta tearing partially away from the uterus and can cause miscarriage. The occur in 1-3% of pregnancies.  I tried to keep it together and ask questions, but it was hard.  We agreed I would come in to the office at the end of the week.  Because I had been gone so long, Dave came to check on me.  After hanging up with the doctor, I decided to just go back and the theater and found myself crying through the first twenty minutes of Burt Wonderstone, and then intermittently throughout.  Of course while I was on the phone with the doctor, the ultrasound pic Dave had been trying to upload onto Facebook loaded.  I spent the car ride home and most of the evening crying.

I tried to take it easy the past few days.  The kids are beginning to get annoyed with mama just laying on the couch.  This morning I went into the doctor.  The baby had a good strong heartbeat.  I learned that my hemorrhage is considered large which is bad.  The good news is I'm not bleeding.  If I can make it another 3 weeks to 15 weeks, my chances improve of having a successful pregnancy improve, but it could take longer for my body to heal itself.  In the meantime, I am supposed to take it very easy--no exercise, no lifting. The last one is easier said than done when you are a stay-at-home mom.

It's very difficult to have a frank discussion about a possibly impending miscarriage.  I managed to keep it together until I got in the car.  I do not know what I will do if I lose this baby.  I've always known I wanted a third baby.  If I lose the baby, I do not know if I can go through it again.  Losing a baby in early first trimester is hard enough, but once you've seen your baby--its heartbeat, little legs and hands, sucking a thumb--it's a completely different experience. How do you come back from so much loss?  It seems cruel after everything we've gone through trying to have a third, that we may lose everything now.

It's going to be a long three weeks, made harder by the fact that everyday Linus thanks me for the new baby.  I get to see the doctor every week while we monitor the situation and have another ultrasound in a week and half to see if there's been any change.  I talk to the baby regularly and tell it to hold on.  I pray to Mary to intercede on my behalf and give me strength.  Right now what I need are lots of prayers and playdates.  If anyone wants to borrow my minivan and my kids for a few hours, I won't stop you.  I promise they are generally well behaved and mostly potty trained.