Reining in a Tyrant

Disclaimer:  I love my son.  I adore my son.  I think he is creative, funny, smart, witty, beautiful, loving.

That said my son is also incredibly stubborn, demanding, and ornery.  He is slowly morphing into a mini-tyrant.

Over the past few months, Linus has become increasingly exhausting/frustrating to be around.  There have been a lot of changes in our house and I know it's been hard on him.  Sometimes in the midst of a fit, you can see him trying so hard to gain control of himself and unable to do it.  However, his behavior has been getting more and more out of hand and we need to get a handle on it before the new baby comes, and a whole new set of chaos enters the house.  As a former middle school teacher, I also have lots of fears about who I don't want my children to become.  I need to nip his behavior in the bud now.

After a particular episode about two weeks ago involving mud, I sat down and wrote out a list of all the behaviors and occurrences I don't like:
talking back/growling
too much screen time
mud/excessive digging
speaking harshly to Eileen
hitting/pushing
tantrums
sense of entitlement
reading non-quality books
television--too much junk, not enough educational/tame shows
too much playing with neighbors

We often don't leave the house anymore because Linus refuses to cooperate. Everything has to be on his terms.  Some of these might seem like easy fixes that are totally within my control.  It's one of those things where due to pregnancy exhaustion tv time increased, he learned to play video games on the phone, and he figured out how to use a remote.  Dave and I didn't communicate enough about what I wanted/didn't want him watching.

I then made a list of what I wanted to see: fewer tantrums, respectful speaking, gentle hands, following backyard rules, playing with Eileen and willing to leave the house for activities, reading a combination of quality books and less quality, hard limit on screen time with more educational shows, compromise with less of the family bowing to Linus' desires, politeness and manners, listening and stopping the first time asked, and buckling himself in his carseat 100% of the time.

Making the list was very clarifying.  I read the book How to Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman for some concrete ideas. The book was helpful, especially his take on tantrums and talking back.  He also provides some very helpful insights for preteens so I'll definitely keep this book for future battles.  I disagreed with a few things, and his occasional Christian/religious stance that seemed to dismiss other religious/nonreligious beliefs.  He and his editors also seemed unaware of sexist comments or inferences.  I'm not a feminist by any means but they stood out to me.  Despite my annoyance with those parts, the book outlines clear, no nonsense tactics for all sorts of different issues.

Game Plan
We now have a game plan.  It will need some fine tuning but already we are seeing some positive changes.  I don't think what we are doing would work for everyone, but as a parent I am always interested to see what other people are doing.

First thing we did was give Linus some quality one on one time with each one of us.  With so many changes, he has just needed some special time with us.

Consequences:  time outs, loss of dirt play, loss of playtime with neighbors, loss of screen time, loss of toys.

Rewards:  screen time, staying up a little late, special treat (sweet, stickers from Michaels, etc)

The big game changer is how we are approaching screen time.  The hard part is it requires more of me, but it's worth it.  We are setting a hard limit of 2 hours.  He can earn screen time in 30 minute increments.
--complete 4-6 pages of his workbook (he hates practicing his letters but is also frustrated he can't write or spell yet
--quality play with Eileen for 20 minutes
--reading with an adult (either practice learning to read or reading quality books)
--completing his list of responsibilities.  He has a new chore/responsibility list of 5 things since he is almost 5.  Each morning he must: get himself dressed, brush his teeth, make his bed, clean up his room, and sweep/dust bust under the dining room table after breakfast.

Having these 4 requirements, each worth 30 minutes, has made huge difference.  It's altered the power struggle and given me more of what I want.  He also isn't just watching tv/playing video games for huge blocks of time.  It gets broken up as he is willing to complete requirements.  It's amazing how much being a monster correlates to screen time.

Another thing we are adding an allowance.  Linus seems to think we need to buy him stuff all the time.  Allowance will give him a better sense of money, but also let him feel in control.  We are giving him 50 cents per year/per week, so he gets $2 a week right now.  It's enough that he will eventually be able to save and buy the things that he wants and it won't take him years to do it. I envision his money mostly getting spent on Legos, but it will be his allowance that buys the snacks at the movies and stuff like that.   Once he gets the hang of it, we will introduce saving 10% each week.  I'm sure allowance will change as he gets older. Linus is pretty excited about the allowance.

Finally, Dave and I just need to be better about not giving extra chances for misbehavior, not allowing him to talk back to us, and not letting him be the one to dictate terms.  I know that having the school year routine and adding back an extra curricular activity is also going to be helpful even with the introduction of a new baby.