Confronting Ghosts of Adolescence, aka My 20 year high school reunion

"Adolescence typically describes the years between ages 13 and 19 and can be considered the transitional stage from childhood to adulthood." -- Psychology Today

Adolescence was not kind to me.

Behold 13 year old me in 7th grade. Oof.

Thick, dry yet somehow also greasy, wavy hair with half head bangs brushed to the side.  I desperately needed a flat iron and some conditioner.  Turtlenecks were not a good look on me.  I was shy, easily embarrassed, and couldn't bare to speak in front of others.  I was awkward with no sense of how to dress.  There's "I can't believe we thought we looked good, the early 90s were nuts" and then there was me.  Let's just say this one time I thought it would look cute and jaunty to add my black sailor hat from Disneyland (you know the one with my name embroidered on the back).

After a less than ideal experience of the middle school social scene, I was optimistic about high school.  It was my chance to start fresh.  Things were better.  I got less nervous being in front of a group and had a larger circle of friends.  Yet I always felt like I was on the outside looking in at everything.

High school was a long exercise in how to fail:  fail to make a single high school team, fail to get asked to dances (except one --God bless you Brandon), fail to be promoted to the next level of choir, fail to make the plays or musicals until senior year.  The last one was especially brutal when my little sister made it into the musical and I didn't.  When it came to forming groups, I was last man standing more than once.  I don't think the last one was malevolence on the part of my peers, but simply a failure to notice.

I rounded out high school by gaining lots of weight and making questionable makeup choices.  I was embarrassed by my crooked teeth and hid them as much as I could.

Luckily, adolescence ends.  The gift of an awkward adolescence gives me compassion and insight for those middle schoolers in my care.  I look to see those on the edges who need affirmation that there is nothing wrong with them.  One of my favorite things about teaching is the fact the I am given the opportunity to work with students on their social emotional development.  I show my students old photos of me (which always prompts gasps, hands to mouths, and sometimes fits of laughter) to emphasize the point that they will not be defined by who they are as a middle schooler, that this is only a moment in time.  Who they are physically or socially as a 13 year old is not who they are destined to be forever.  I encourage them to take healthy risks, and decide what kind of person they want to be.

My high school reunion was this weekend.  As it crept closer, I was shocked to discover all my old insecurities take hold.  Former classmates shared photos from our high school years on Facebook.  While it was meant to be fun, I only felt sadness.  I wasn't in those photos.  I wasn't in the group of girls with the Senior shirts (like the ones from Dazed and Confused), I wasn't at the parties, I didn't have awkward dance photos because I didn't have dates to the dances.  Suddenly, attending my high school reunion seemed like the worst idea ever.

It just so happened that I was reading, "Enough As She Is: how to help girls move beyond impossible standards of success to live healthy, happy, and fulfilling lives" by Rachel Simmons.  In the book Simmons discusses the negative effects of social media on adolescent anxiety.  Given what I experienced after only 3 days, I can't begin to imagine what youth today must experience.  I think I would just hide away in my room crying.  I am so grateful that AOL messenger was just barely a thing when I was in high school.

As I read, I reflected the experience of who I was in adolescence compared to who I am now.  I like who I am now.  I am not perfect, but I have the things that I always wanted -- a loving husband (who is cute and smart), beautiful children (who are both amazingly wonderful and amazingly frustrating), a job, coworkers and a boss who like me.  I get to occasionally go on vacation.  I have friends (who I may or may not get to see as much as I like).  While I don't wear designer clothes unless Target counts, I think I dress pretty cute (sans sailor cap of course).

An added bonus is that I am significantly thinner than I was in high school.  Weight isn't everything and should not define us, but being overweight can impact how others view you and how you see yourself.  Even before I got to where I am now, just losing a little weight gave me the confidence to be more outgoing in groups.  I could also be more physically active.

I bought myself a cute shirt at Target the day of the reunion.  I wore my favorite jeans.  I wanted to feel confident. I spent the day reminding myself that I am a good enough as I am.   I've never been more nervous than when I climbed the stairs to where night one of my high school reunion was being held.  Apparently, everyone was just as nervous as I was about going, even the cool kids.

The benefit of 20 years gone by is that people truly do change.  We grow.  We mature.  Facebook made it all a little less awkward--I already knew what a lot of people were up to, their kids names.  It was so much easier to make small talk.  I couldn't believe how friendly everyone was.  Why couldn't high school be like this!?!

I achieved what I call my "Romy and Michelle" moment.  People didn't recognize me! It was like I was some sort of mystery woman and it was kind of awesome.  Not to brag, but I think I did look pretty good.  One person told me how much she valued her memories of my childhood home--where I saw dirt, mild hoarding, and boredom, she saw love, fun, and so many books! I had no idea that someone had that experience of me.  It was an unexpected rewriting of my childhood.

People who I thought of as being part of the popular group wanted to talk to me and hear what I had to say.  Nothing felt weird or awkward.  It was like we all had actually grown up!  I never expected to have my high school reunion be a validating experience.

I didn't take a lot of pictures.  Here's me ready for night two.

I was so glad my friend, Anjeanette, came all the way from NYC.

I am living proof that adolescence is awkward, but that it does not define our path.  I'm so glad I went to my reunion.  It was wonderful to see all the people I stalk online.  Seeing them in person made me appreciate them even more.  I am proud of my graduating class.  We became some pretty amazing people who are changing the world for the better.  My goal is to continue to reconnect with my former classmates because like I said, they are doing pretty amazing things.  Others are just really cool and would be fun to hang out with more.

I'm so glad I went to my 20 year reunion.  Even if I change significantly, I will still go to my 30 year.  I will still be enough as I am.  My goal for next time is to make it to the after party.

St. Robert Bellarmine, Pray for Us! Go Big Blue!