Growing and Changing

January is generally cold and bleak.  The world outside feels barren.  At the same time, day to day seems to be sputtering back into gear.  Everything feels both calm and out of sorts.  The new year brings a lot of reflection.  In recent days I've had time to engage in deep conversations about what has changed, what is happening, and where life is headed.

This morning I was chatting with my older sister.  She shared that when her son was younger, another mom told her that when your youngest is five, the idea of having another child becomes more difficult.  Not because you are older, but because your children's lives are in a new stage of independence and it is hard to go back to the days of no sleep, diapers, and constant care.

All my kids wanted for Christmas was a new baby.  Today Robin asked if I wanted another one.  I questioned him why he wanted one. Our conversation went like this:
Robin:  Because of all the cuteness.
Me: What if it isn't cute?
Robin: Then we can get rid of it.
Me:  I don't think it works that way.
Robin: Then we can sell it.

The idea of going back to the days of small people is exhausting.  I loved it, I miss it, but right now I need to focus on loving where I am versus missing what was.

My kids are now 5, 8, and 10.  They get themselves dressed, brush their own teeth, and even get themselves breakfast.  Sometimes Robin needs a little help.  Unless the kids have sports, I don't have to get up before 9 am.

Linus is turning into an amazing human being.  Last weekend he made Dave and I a romantic breakfast.  He prepared us coffee and chai as well as avocado toast. It was pretty good. Later he willingly accompanied me to a grocery store and unprompted bought his aunt, Sally, flowers with his own money. 

When we later visited Sally, he didn't try to change the television.  Instead he was quiet and well behaved.  He asked Sally to teach him how to change a diaper and later did it independently.  He helped her in the kitchen, chopping herbs.  Linus loves his cousin more than anything on this earth.

Linus is turning into a wonderful, thoughtful young man.  This morning he saw I was stressed.  He encouraged me to take time for myself and then proceeded to make me a cup of coffee. He knows just how I like it.

Eileen is a caretaker in her own right.  She is acutely aware of the needs of others.  In the past week I saw her offer to help her brother when he was upset, make thoughtful notes on scraps of paper for others, and gave me a neck massage.  Eileen is the queen of making crafty flowers as gifts for people.  She helps remind me to slow down and breathe.  At the end of a stressful day, her note on a scrap of paper that says, "Number 1 mom," can make all the difference.  It's a simple gesture that reminds me that I am loved.  Even when I infuriate her, she does not hold a grudge.

Robin is 5 and a whirling dervish of energy.  He flits through space.  Robin spends large amounts of time flinging his body across the room, hoping to land on padding.  No broken bones yet.  This week he lost his 2 bottom front teeth.  If that isn't a reminder that the days are long, but the years are short, I don't know what is.

This week different adults came up to me unprompted to share something special they saw one of my  children do or just how much they genuinely love them.  Parenthood is so hard.  So very hard.  Even teacher moms are exhausted by their own children by the end of winter break.  In the trenches, it's hard to keep perspective.  That's why all moms need a village, to have people appreciate your kids when you are too busy parenting them to enjoy them fully.

The last 4 months have been incredibly stressful.  While I don't believe in New Years Resolutions, I value reflection.  I've been spending time trying to step outside myself and identify what I want, what is important to me, and what it looks like.

So far I've identified the following:

1. Date my husband
2. Spend quality time with each of my kids
3. Don't make decisions based on feelings of obligation
4. Let my hair go gray (it's a losing battle)

Life feels so stressful right now, but I'm optimistic about the months ahead.  Let's be clear. There will be no baby, despite Robin's assurance of disposability.  We have spent the last 10 years in the mindset of parents with young children, aka survival.  My babies are still kids, but it's time to develop a new mindset, thrive. I don't want to keep waiting to live our best lives.  We had a taste of it this summer.  I want to do the things I've always said I wanted to do once everyone was potty trained and could walk. I am open to the possibilities of 2019. 

The Holidays - Many, Merry, and Medical

The holidays felt a bit different this year.  School went up until right before Christmas.  I had very little time to prepare or switch gears.  Everything felt weird/empty with Yoon gone.  It was bittersweet turning over his room, preparing it for guests.

I like the school Christmas pageant because it really encapsulates all the feelings, it's like its own zeitgeist.  Robin made a cute, if not perplexed shepherd this year.

This year there felt like there wasn't enough time to do many of the festive things around Puget Sound.  However, we did manage to squeeze in a trip to downtown Seattle with our friend, Beth.  We decided against the 2+ hr wait for the gingerbread houses at the Sheraton.  I'm sure they were cool, but not cool enough to wait that long.  The Teddy Bear Suite at the Olympic Fairmount did not disappoint.  I also really like the addition of a large gingerbread playhouse.

The Christmas Eve Children's mass was lovely.  The kids referenced the "homily" for days.  We looked pretty cute.  Robin looked cute and mildly evil.

 I got fancy and straightened my hair.

Christmas morning was very chill.  The kids were very good about not going downstairs until 7 am.  This year everyone got something to read, something to wear, a slightly larger gift, and a smaller gift.  Eileen was overjoyed to receive a bathrobe, slippers, and Caboodle (thank you author, Reyna Telgemeier for telling her these existed).  Robin had a very Pokemon based Christmas.  Linus was most excited about a wood burning kit.  Dave showed he knows me/loves me.  He gave me a journal to write in and a massage gift certificate to relax.

Dave made Eileen a workbench.

We hosted Christmas with my side of the family in the evening.  This year Gino's mother joined us from Argentina.  We all spent lots of time fawning over baby Cedric.

Sally demonstrated she truly knows/understands Eileen.  Watching squirrels has become a new exciting activity for all the kids.

Linus informed me that his favorite part of Christmas, besides the white elephant party, is the fact that my sister and her family come stay with us for a week.  I don't disagree. The kids played hard all week building forts, wearing costumes, running around outside.  My house was trashed more times than I can count.

I'm grateful I didn't have to host the White Elephant party.  I did my part though and baked gluten free donuts, half vanilla glazed, half maple glazed.  They turned out awesome.  My crockpot egg casserole was pretty good too.

White elephants are very fun when you are with people who have a wicked sense of humor.  The kids enjoyed playing reindeer games in the basement.

Eileen won this beauty.  I tried to make plans to have it disappear, but she was too busy cradling it and adoring it.

We finally got a picture of all the grandkids.  Dylan was not impressed.

The fun continued into New Years Eve where Dave worked until 10 pm. 

Linus REALLY wanted to go to the New Years/Birthday party at Sally and Gino's.  He even typed up 9 pages of conversational Spanish and categorized the topics.  I felt so bad by his sobbing that I took him over when Dave got home.  He unintentionally trolled all the attendees by wearing his complete Brazil national soccer team uniform to a party full of Argentinians.  Cedric, sporting his Argentinian jersey, forgave him.

Beautiful host, Sally.

We rounded out the holidays by celebrating with Dave's family on New Year's Day.  I especially enjoyed chatting with my nieces.

So the holidays were many and merry.  Amidst all the merry making, there were many, many trips to the doctor and Children's Hospital.  One day was especially fun when I had two visits to Children's in one day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  The good news is they weren't all for Robin.  I basically took a child to a doctor every weekday of break that was not a holiday, sometimes back to back appointments with 20 minutes in between to drive to different locations.  It was fun....I'm very grateful for all the Starbucks gift cards I received from students.  They kept me alive over break.

I'm hoping for a little time to decompress the last few days of winter break.  Linus is unnerved by the empty feeling of the house. To be fair, I did take down the Christmas decorations yesterday which adds to the emptiness.  After a whirlwind month, it's nice to just finally breathe.

Goodbye Yoon

It's been 3 months and I still can't believe Dave and I decided to have an exchange student come live with us.  Friday we said goodbye to Yoon.  It was a good experience and I'm glad we did it.  I learned very quickly that even though he is independent enough to live away from home for a year, Yoon still needed a mom.

More times than I can count I reminded him to brush his teeth or told him, "No, marshmallows and jello are not breakfast foods."  He needed someone to lovingly remove tags from his clothes and inform him that his shirt was both inside and backwards. We made sure he had enough socks and shoes that fit.  I'm really glad we were able to let him play with his classmates on the school basketball team. He played with heart and was a valued member of the team.

Yoon learned very quickly that Dave is the fun parent and can be counted on to play a board game or say yes to screen time.  Yoon really enjoyed playing board games, especially Settlers of Catan, Risk, Phase 10, and Ticket to Ride.  I will miss there be an extra person to play.  Linus needed someone who could push back against his antics and require him to compromise more.  I won't miss them fighting like brothers in the car.

As an only child, I think Yoon really enjoyed having siblings.  Yoon especially grew close to Robin.  Yoon was often seen holding Robin's hand while walking, lifting him up, or making sure he had his coat.  Robin learned quickly that Yoon was good for comfort and a snuggle.

Yoon doesn't have cousins close to his own age.  There are lots of Dimock cousins.  He really enjoyed joining us for Dimock gatherings and blended right in with all the kids.  Yoon also got to hold his first baby, my newborn niece, Julia.

He got to meet Cedric too.  Now comfortable with babies, he and Linus argued over who got to hold Cedric.

I introduced Yoon to baking.  He was a quick study and constantly asked to bake.   Good thing I like to bake, especially during the holidays.  It was honestly nice to have someone in the kitchen who was an actual help instead of added stress.  I taught him how to crack an egg, measure flour, using measuring cups and spoons, use a mixer, and even how to simply boil water.  

Yoon was in our middle school choir.  For the Christmas Pageant, the choir was fitted with formal wear -- black dresses and pearls for girls, tuxes with cumberbuns for the boys.  I told Yoon I needed to take his picture and he balked.  I told him in no uncertain terms, "In America, if you wear a tux, you get your picture taken in front of the Christmas tree."  He obliged me in exchange for loosening his collar after the picture.  I need to send these pics to his mom.

The last two days were weird and unsettled.  We all knew he was leaving and we would probably never see him again.  Everyone just sort of pretended it was just a normal week.  We did go out to dinner the last night at his favorite restaurant, SanMaru (Korean bbq).  Packing was interesting.  His complete disorganization was almost comical. Two days later the house definitely feels different and a little more empty without Yoon.

I admit it was exhausting at times to have to parent one more child.  Mostly it was logistical because we didn't live close to where he was dropped off after Korean school.  But really, other times he made things easier.  The kids informed us they would be willing to host an exchange student again.  Since we don't live close, I need to wait until pick up doesn't coincide with bedtime.  I wondered if it would be weird to have a student live at my house.  It wasn't.  I teased him about his mean science teacher (me) and I always knew what his homework was.  I figure it is preparation for the day when I teach my own kids.  I have zero regrets about sharing our lives with Yoon.  I hope he feels the same way.

Cute Kids

I live with some pretty cute kids. We included Yoon in our annual matching Christmas jammies.

It's been a festive couple of weeks. We decorated for Christmas.  Our new tree has the option of colored or white lights.  I fight a losing battle every day to have it be white lights.  The kids decorated tree, which means it looks kind of junky and includes ornaments made by yours truly when I was nine.

Robin and Eileen took advantage of the cleared space to make carpet angels and play with bubble wrap.

We helped out once again for the Figgy Pudding Contribution.  Our role is to go down and check in with the event organizers and set up our singing location.  My kids often function as the donation procurer.  Robin has it down to a science, "Please donate!  Thank you for your support!"

In a final dose of sweetness, I'm finally getting around to sharing official school pictures. These kids need to slow down!

It Started with a Limp

It all started with a slight limp.

On Saturday I was doing what I usually do, grocery shopping when I got a text from Dave.  He said that Robin was acting strange and asked if I had noticed him limping. A few minutes later I got another text informing me he had a fever of 101.4 and had just thrown up.  Being a veteran mom at this point, I was not overly alarmed.  Honestly, I was annoyed because we were supposed to go meet our new niece and now it meant we all couldn't go.  Dave opted to stay home with Robin. They read books, played quietly.  He threw up again and went to bed early.  Typical sick day.

Back from grocery shopping, I found him like this.

Sunday Robin was feeling better, just a little off.  We kept him at home just in case he vomited again.  He was still slightly limping.  We looked to see if he had maybe stepped on something or had a splinter.  Nope. Nothing.  We didn't recall any wrestling injuries.  Monday Robin went to school.  His limping was a little worse, but more notably he didn't eat his snacks. 

Tuesday his limping was significantly worse.  Dave and I wondered if maybe he overextended his ankle due to low tone, just another fun side of cerebral palsy?  I felt I needed to go to work that day, but I would take him into the doctor in the afternoon.  I warned his teachers he was still limping and that it was a little worse.  During school, Robin barely ate lunch and didn't eat either snack.  By the end of the day he couldn't walk.  The music teacher ended up carrying him at one point.  At the end the day, his teacher checked in with me, concerned.

At this point I decided I needed to skip the staff meeting and take Robin to Children's.  Eileen, Robin, and I drove all the way over to Children's to Urgent Care.  Turns out Urgent Care didn't open for another 2.5 hours.  They recommended going to a walk-in clinic.  My gut said take him to the ER, but my wallet and desire to not freak out told me to take him to the walk-in clinic.  So we drove all the way back to Shoreline.  We were seen very quickly and they told us we needed to go to the ER at Children's.  Seriously!?!  At this point, the three of us were very hungry.  We got snacks at Starbucks and drove once again to Children's.  Seattle traffic at this time of day is terrible and there is no quick way to get to Children's from Shoreline.

Both the docs at the walk-in clinic and ER suspected a septic joint. It was no fun getting an IV.  They blew a vein the first time.  Just seeing needles on a tray was very upsetting for Eileen.  She felt like she was going to vomit.  Childlife took Eileen away to distract her and get her a snack.  Another childlife person helped calm Robin so they could get his IV in.  Eventually, Dave and Linus showed up and took Eileen home.

Warming up his veins.

 A while later, Robin's labs came back.  His WBC levels were normal, but an x-ray showed inflammation and fluid.  His lower right tibia was warm to the touch.   When the pain was only slightly lessened with ibuprofen, the orthopedic doctors ordered an MRI.  At this point it was 1 am.  Robin was very brave.  They barely even strapped him down.  I had to watch as tears streamed down his face, but he didn't move. Luckily, it was just a quick MRI, about 10 minutes.  Within 20 minutes of the MRI we had a diagnosis, osteomyelitis. Robin needed to be admitted.

We got to our shared room around 2 am and both promptly passed out.  Thus began our in-patient adventure.  With pokes over, the only annoyance was being frequently woken up.  Our roommate was lovely and got to check out that first day.  He had the better side so we moved over.

Children's is an amazing place.  Everyone is so so so incredibly nice.  Robin began to enjoy his "arm hugs" (blood pressure checks).  There is a morning coffee cart with coffee, tea, and hot cider.  But also cookies, snacks, crayons, coloring books, books, toys.  It's pretty magical.  Santa was in the playroom in the afternoon so we went and visited him.

In the playroom, Robin and I played chess. He created a new version called, Santa Chess, using his new bendy santa he got as a present from the elf.    Santa chess involves bendy santa wrapping itself around Robin's guys, preventing attack.  It also allows the piece with santa to magically jump and attack any opponent piece.  He had the volunteers in stitches, explaining the rules.

Santa chess was a big hit.  When Dave took him to the playroom the following day, all the volunteers had already heard about the game.  I accused Robin of maybe having an unfair advantage.  He replied, "I'm just really good at Santa Chess."

Dave and I switched off who stayed with Robin.  Friends who worked at Children's visited.  Robin enjoyed unlimited tv, a personal ipad provided by the hospital, meals in bed, and a mom who let him order fun things like milkshakes. 

Linus sent his stuffed "Hobbes" to keep Robin company. Later he used his good choice points at school to get Robin is own little tiger, now known as Baby Hobbes.  It's Robin's new favorite companion.

Robin kept his humor and charm.  The nurses and doctors all got a kick out of him.

It's been a stressful week.  The outpouring of support from friends and family has been amazing.  I know everyone's prayers are why he only had to spend a few nights at the hospital.  We were lucky to avoid surgery and his body didn't metabolize the medicines too quickly. 

I'm so glad we took Robin in when we did.  We caught the infection early before it could spread and do more damage.  He still has a long recovery ahead: 4-6 weeks of antibiotics every 6 hours, weekly blood draws, weekly visits at Childrens alternating between orthopedics and infectious diseases departments.  He will continue to limp for a little while and needs to not push himself too much.

We are all so glad to have him home, knowing he is going to be okay.  Osteomyelitis is no joke and it could have been so much worse. It all started with a limp. If I learned anything from the experience, it's trust your gut.

Cedric

I have a new love in my life.  His name is Cedric Sebastian.  Doesn't the name just roll off your tongue?

He is my new Latin love, my little Argentinian Dulce de Leche.  I would eat him up if my sister would let me.

Cedric is not mine.   He belongs to my sister, Sally, and her husband, Gino.  Cedric decided to join the world at 42 weeks!  Sally was gracious enough to share her pregnancy with me, even inviting me to the birth.

I love birth.  In my next life, I will be a labor and delivery nurse.  I really tried hard to maintain space and boundaries.  After all, it wasn't my birth.  I was in awe of Sally as she crept past 11 days late.  I even called her to make sure she was okay.  Her level of zen scared me.  Most women in her place are just a puddle of tears.

Sally and Gino went in over the weekend to begin induction.  Her body seemed in no hurry to go into labor.  I kept myself busy with my own family, waiting to hear that labor was at a point where my support would be welcomed.  They went into the hospital at 8 am, but I didn't join them until 9:30 pm.  Gino was a rock, taking care of Sally.

Sally was tired, but in good spirits.  As the evening wore on, Sally's body continued to resist labor.  At the same time, the monitors showed the baby's heart decelerating more frequently.  I was really impressed with the midwife.  She was so caring and earnest, not over-reactive, but as a new reality set in, she still gave Sally options -- a controlled c-section or a strong possibility of an emergency c-section.  Sally was calm and rationale.  She recognized that she was barely contracting, she wasn't in labor and that things were not headed in a good direction.  The doula and I left the room so Sally and Gino could make a decision.  The midwife joined us out in the hall.  

When we returned, Sally was crying but knew that her baby needed her to have a c-section.  I was surprised by how quickly the staff of the hospital mobilized.

This is me telling Sally that I'm so proud of her and that I'm so sorry this is happening right now.

The doula and Gino went into the delivery room.  As much as I may have wanted to be in there, it wasn't my place.  My camera went instead.  I used the opportunity to sleep for a few minutes since it was 3 am.  The doula took some great pics.

This pic of the three of them is one of my favorites.

I held back tears when the nurses wheeled Sally and Cedric into the room. Sally's first words to me were, "You can't hold him.  I just got him."  Duh.  I wasn't going to even ask.  I knew I would get to eventually when Sally was ready.  It's HER baby.  I was just so incredibly happy for the both of them. I gave Gino the biggest hug.  I didn't have to wait too long to hold Cedric.

Cedric is beautiful.  He also looks a lot life new born Robin, if Robin weighed 3 pounds more and was 2.5 inches taller.  So, Robin on steroids?  Either way, he looks like one of my babies which makes me love him that much more.

 A c-section was the right choice.  Cedric had pooped lots of meconium and was completely tangled up in his cord (hence the decelerations).  Gino and Sally say that when he was lifted out he was holding onto his cord with his fist just like his gestational namesake, Tarzan.  Cedric, formerly known as Tarzan, also proceeded to spray everyone with pee upon being removed from Sally.

The doula left a little bit after the birth.   This meant is was my turn to step into a larger role.  The first one was unofficial photographer.

In the morning, I made a run to Mighty-O Donuts for coffee and nutty french toast donuts.  Gino looks like an old hand already--coffee, baby, relaxing.

I tried to help Sally and Gino as best I could, especially since her night nurse was not awesome.  It's amazing how much giving birth and being a mom gets you over all sorts of body issues.  I had no problem getting in there, grabbing a boob, and helping Sally nurse.  My hardest job of course was holding and rocking Cedric while his parents got some much needed sleep.

Sometime during the course of the day, I lost my car keys.  Dave had to drive home from work and then back down to Ballard to rescue me.  The upside?  He got to meet Cedric.

I'm so grateful to my amazing principal, who insisted I be with my sister despite not having a sub, as well as to him and all my co-workers, who covered my classes.  My other big job was taking care of Pee Wee, the dog.

Pee Wee and I have a complicated relationship stemming back to when I was pregnant with Robin and he lived at my house.  He pooped on my bath mats and purposely peed on my brand new mattress.  He also liked to snuggle under my very pregnant belly.  Pee Wee was so sad while his parents were gone.  He could barely look at me or Eileen (one of his favorite people).  Later visits involved lots of excited jumping and licking.  Going over to grab packages and care for Pee Wee was a fun job for Eileen.  She now has plans to be a zoo keeper.

Linus and Robin got to meet Cedric at the hospital.  Eileen opted to stay home.  She's more into animals than babies.  Linus was in heaven.  Robin refused to hold Cedric, but liked "playing with his little toes."

It's now been 48 hours since I held Cedric.  There is nothing like a new baby to make joy radiate throughout your body.   I'm going through withdrawals but I just remind myself that I need to give the new family space.  It's exciting to have a nephew living only 5 minutes away. Sally and Gino will be wonderful parents and I'm overjoyed for them.  Welcome Cedric Sebastian.