Conflict Avoidance

I hate conflict.  I avoid it at all costs.  You may recall that a few months ago my hairdresser was complaining about how much she hated cutting my hair.  Instead of giving her a few choice words, I quietly took it and then found a new salon, never calling the old one to give them a whats up. 

Like everybody else, I got bullied as a kid.  I just put my head down and hoped if I made myself small enough, they would just stop and go away.  When a yogurt was thrown at me and covered my back in high school, I just looked sad, wiped myself down, and tried to go on.  It was a survival technique I employed, afraid that if I said something I would sound weak or stupid.

My freshman year in college, I was subjected to a barrage of cruelty by my suite mate.  I tried in vain to ignore it, but that only frustrated my tormentor, causing her to increase her measures of abuse.   It was perhaps the hardest 3 months of my life--the suite mate was finally transferred to another room.  When I look back at my fall quarter freshman year, I just want to shake myself for not being a stronger advocate.  In the end, I did get an apology from the university.  If I ever write my memoirs, I could easily fill a book with all that occurred during that freshman year.

Enough sob story.  I'm a lucky to have a good friend in my life is regularly encourages me to stand up for myself.  If I won't send back a wrong food order, she'll do it for me.  Poorly crafted latte--she insists they remake it.  I admire my friend, Colleen, and I can tell she is starting to rub off on me a little.  At 32, I am finally learning to assert myself.

So now, the point of this email.  I am feeling a little proud of myself because I have actually said something twice in two days when I was bothered by something.  This is a big deal for me.

Linus has been doing gymnastics at the community center for the past two months.  The first month, I had him in a younger class.  I did not expect much.  I just wanted him to have a good time.  The equipment is a little battered, but that was fine.  I was not overly impressed with the coach.  She was a nice girl, but unprofessional to say the least and put little effort into instructing the class.  I appreciated that she didn't mind that Eileen climbed on the equipment not in use.  I tried moving Linus up a class to see if things improved.  They didn't.  The kids were bored and acted out.  The difficulty never progressed and Linus started asking to go back to soccer.  The other parents also were making plans to not re-enroll.  Then on Monday there was a sub.  She was AMAZING!!! It was a completely different class.  I marveled at her management  and teaching strategies.  The kids were learning actual terminology.  After the first 5 minutes of class, no kids acted out, and every kid was engaged.  To top it off, these were 3 and 4 year olds.  After class, all the parents rushed the substitute coach, trying to find out where she taught.  She seemed a little taken aback by our response.  As we were leaving the building, I made a point to talk to one of the managers of the community center.  I felt they really needed to know why no one was re-enrolling in the class.  Normally, I never would have said anything.  As a teacher,  I really try to give instructors the benefit of the doubt.  But after seeing the potential of the class, I could not stay silent.  I felt strangely proud for totally selling that coach down river.

Then today, again I decided to not settle for less.  We hire a yard service who comes every other week to maintain a yard.  They do a really really good job, better than our previous yard people.  They are supposed to come in the morning at 8:15, yet never have.  When I hired them, I asked that they not come in the afternoon because it disrupts nap.  After the first time that they came during nap, I politely talked to the owner to stress the importance of coming in the morning.  Today they came in the middle of the afternoon.  Linus and Eileen just cried for 2 hours instead of sleeping.  No one was happy.  Instead of just hoping it wouldn't happen again, I sent the owner a sternly worded email.  We'll see what he says.

I realize that these instances over the past two days may seem like a small deal to many, but it represents growth for me.  I have to remind myself that I am worthy of good things, I don't have to settle for substandard, especially when I am paying for services.  I still struggle to mention when my order gets messed up.  I just want to be a good role model for my kids.  I don't want them to be bitchy jerks, but to know that it's okay to want to be treated with dignity and respect, and wanting your order to be correct does not make you a bad person.