Decision Made!

It's been years in the making but today I submitted my official letter of resignation to my school district.  I purposely dropped the letter in one of the blue mailboxes so I could not change my mind.  Really though,  I made this decision months ago.

I never pictured myself as a stay at home mom.  I held a lot of stereotypes, not all of them good even though I know many amazing stay at home moms. Since I was a little girl, I always saw myself as a working mom--loving, doting mother at home, a force to be reckoned with in the workplace.   Of course I also envisioned myself as an accountant, dentist, and gorilla all in one, so what did I know?

Having Linus was one of the most intense, life changing experiences of my life from the journey to conceive to a challenging pregnancy and delivery, to just the adjustment to parenthood.  I took a health leave from teaching in September.  Linus was born in October.  I stayed home for the rest of the school year.  I went back part time the next year and loved it, although I made no money.  We conceived Eileen in the meantime.  I don't like working while pregnant, especially when the bathroom is across campus.  Eileen was born in November.  I stayed home the rest of the school year with plans to go back the following school year.

I desperately tried to cherish every moment, while agonizing over going back to work.  It would have to be full time to afford the childcare.  Envisioning our lives with me working full time was enough to send me into a panic.  Still, I looked around me at all the amazing working moms and felt that if they could do it, I could too.  As summer approached I realized that I needed to take a second year off.  I wasn't ready to pump at work or try to balance work and home.

It was weird to not start the school year.  By October I had a sneaking suspicion that I might give up my job.  God bless unions for giving teachers two years per child.  I have needed that long to be at peace with my decision.  Life with me at home is less stressful, not that it is all rainbows and sunshine.  My kids are happy.  I am happy.  My husband likes that I learned to sew and have been learning fun and new recipes, and he especially likes when I use my mini pie maker.

I love teaching, or really the idea of teaching.  I hate where the current education discussion is going and it makes it less of something that I want to be a part of. I don't want to get on my soapbox, but everyone making the decisions has never been in the classroom.  Why is it that having a Masters in Teaching makes you the least qualified to provide an opinion!?!

I do plan to go back to work eventually in a few years, but I don't know if it will be as a classroom teacher. Over the next year I need to take 7.9 credits in order to keep my certificate current.  I've tried to put all my ducks in a row, but I am still not sure what I am supposed to do with my retirement fund.

I worry about losing myself.  Sometimes being a stay at home mom is very lonely.  I'm friendly with the other moms at baby and toddler classes, but it's not the same.  I want to do volunteer work to stir my passions while building my job skills, but that will have to wait until I don't have to pay a sitter in order to have time.   Even if I am sure that giving up my contract is the right decision, I feel like I am stepping off a cliff.  I've made Dave promise he won't leave me.  He suggested I could just off him and collect the insurance (he was joking obviously).

As of March 1, 2012, I begin a new chapter in my life.  I haven't yet begun to grieve my loss of identity.  I think that will hit in September, when I am no longer just a teacher on leave.