Parenting is hard. Scratch that. Parenting is an exercise in crushing defeat, levied by moments of sweetness so lovely you willingly resign yourself to yet another day and another defeat. I've posted before about my attempts to help my children not become evil dictators, to attempt to instill empathy or simply rein in my little napoleons. For the most part I'm pleased to say that I've experienced a lot of success with these. The kids still have to earn their screen time. We still use the term "filling your bucket." This does not mean that my children are finally perfect. In fact, since this summer life with the two big kids has been incredibly trying.
Unable to go one more day feeling like our whole family was being held captive by a wee tyrant or two, I dug into my teacher tool box and decided to go the route of positive discipline.
Step 1: I started using time-out differently with the kids, and more like how I did it with middle schoolers (since middle schoolers really are just big toddlers). Instead of taking the one minute per year of life, it moved to "you are in time-out until you feel ready to join the group in a positive way." Sometimes timeout is about 15 seconds, sometimes it's 15 minutes. The kids like that they have control over their punishment. Sometimes they just send themselves to their room, get distracted, and then re-emerge refreshed from their time away from the group.
Step 2: Institute a behavior chart for positive behavior. Dave and I spent a good long time designing one for Linus. We did not want to use food as a motivator. Rewards had to be attainable within a reasonable amount of time for a first grader. As he worked toward the big reward, there needed to be the possibility of a daily reward to keep him motivated. I used a manila folder to contain the behavior chart and tracking calendar (which I just printed off the computer). I use the very hi-tech method of drawing in little stars with a pen or pencil. We tried to frame each part of the checklist using positive statements versus don't do this and don't do that.
He really likes the idea of a trophy, so we included that as a possibility as well. A trophy for good behavior? Sure. Why not?
He didn't earn the big reward the first month, but the promise of a thirty minute later bedtime kept his behavior relatively in check. He earned his big reward in September. He eventually decided he just wanted $150 cash (this might seem like a lot for a little kid but the idea was he could buy a big lego set and seriously, the behavior was that bad). Linus wanted big bills, a $100 bill and a $50 bill. He then surprised us by deciding that instead of spending it, he would like to open his own bank account. He is very excited to have a bank card with his name on it.
Given the success of the behavior chart for Linus, we decided to try one for Eileen. Eileen is not a morning person. Every morning is a series of tears and meltdowns. She refuses to be in any room alone (including the bathroom) or do anything without assistance. The evenings can be similar, but she takes things to a new level in the morning. The results being lots of screaming, yelling, and stress for everyone as we try to get out the door to school. Sometimes it feels like Eileen is rarely able to speak without whining. We tailored her behavior chart to fit the desired results.
Eileen has been using a star chart for two days now. It has been glorious. The sense of calm that preceded school this morning was wonderful. Even better was how nicely the kids all played together after school, or watched a show together before bed. They even shared a couch without bothering each other!!!
Of course things aren't perfect. Kids will make mistakes, act out, and be jerks sometimes. It will take nothing short of a miracle for Linus to earn the big reward this month. I'm hoping the idea of having the same bedtime as his little sister if he doesn't have a two star day can act as a motivator. The force of will is strong with this one. I predict many more years of difficulties.
I'm not sharing this because I want everyone to see what an amazing mother I am. I wanted to share because I like to be a resource for other parents. It's one thing to read a book or article on positive discipline. It's another thing to actually try and implement it. I always worry that my blog makes me look like I have a picture perfect life, full of cute kids with wonderful imaginations. Those kids do exist, they just need behavior charts to help them remember how to act like civilized human beings.
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